i have dry mouth!

old pictures from the windsuit party.

ikea was fun. all of my friends are wonderful.

people are so slutty. i mean, come on.

rachel and ginna are my new favorites. i think i love them.

number 40!

disclaimer. i did not actually paint that picture. as a mater of fact, i have no idea where it came from. christy!

its 6:45 and im at octane with zach conrad. we are drinking cooffee, eating grilled cheese and having smoothies. he is supposed to be working, but hes on the internet!

so. for the last two days, i was one of those talked about lunatics at ikea. it was very hot. very long. very dirty. but so fun. i got there at 12:00 noon on tuesday and finally left at 11:00 am this morning. last night we had visitors come. kyle and matt hau came with two bikes. with all of our powers combined we had two razor scooters, a skateboard, the white plastic ricking chair,a longboard, two bikes, a long strap and a little kids toy with wheels. we tried every combination to ride down the parking lot wiith. we were all a source of entertainment for the other 125 people there. there was pulling, carrying, and shoulder sitting. and last but not least, the drum line. a twelve man operation consisting of four symbol players and eight drum men, all different kinds of drums. the guys with symbols were dancing and some of it was quit provacative!

dylan heath christy daryl and rob stopped by. christy and i blessed everyone with our rendition of 'my humps'. no one seemed to think it is as cool as we do.

so at 3:45 i went to bed on the concrete on a sleeping bag with pat and nick. we had two pillows and one sheet. all sleeping together. at 5:45 we woke up and packed everything up and stood in line. while we were waiting for the countdown of three hours, we saw a swedish mens choir, an all black gospel choir wearing all white! then shirley franklin spoke of a rivalry between atlanta and savannah. did i miss something? i dont remember any gang fights on i-16. then, the log cutting ceremony, which took about 5 seconds to cut.

there were so many individuals that i hated. thhe livejournal businesscasual has some good pictures. the one of the couple with the hat is a personal favorite. when i woke up this morning, i was greeted by their smiling faces. i hated the smiling juggler. i wanted to trip him while he was kicking around. the clown on stilts was funny, she recognized pat from ga state. i hated the ikea bitch who wouldnt let pat back in his spot. we were numbers 40 and 41. in front of us was a huge group of loud black women that i hated. they also cut in line. the number two guy, dan was my favorite. his wife was so nice they are wedding photographers together. he was taking pictures of all of us on our bikes and scooters. he got our email addresses so he give us the link to his site where he will post everything. i wish i could stream the entire video of last night, but alas, i cannot.
overall, it was very fun. free moes. free ikea shit i dont want. i slept in a moes shirt with an ikea bandanna on. i got a chair i dont like, but it was al worth it. and now christy and i have an ashtray!

good day.

i love painting!
i painted this picture of KNEEL.

at my dads hotel tonight we ordered dessert. our 'peach cobbler' had donuts in it. our GLASS of 2% and whole milk came as two rotten boxes of whole milk. patricks cappuccino became two frappaccinos.
we went downstairs to get my bags out of my car, and while waiting we met the gay black man at the main desk. we spoke of unsolved mysteries and he said that when he was younger [and his mom didnt know he was gay], he would be scared watching it, and be under the sheets. his mom would yell to him 'get your faggot ass out of there!'. then pat told him his life problems and he sent up a bottle of wine, cheese, and crackers. we watched maria full of grace which was sad but good.
tonight at tamarind, i think our waiter didnt like us because we couldnt decide if we wanted distilled or sparkling water. he snapped at me when i said i wanted a thai iced tea, and he was asking about water. we got re-waited. a good seinfeld plot if you ask me. two nice thai women helped us. patrick and my dad loved them because they love all things asian.
i saw a recent six feet under and i saw that claire is with billy! ah!

i hate seeing you sad. you wont read this. you never do. i wish you would. i wish you would open up and tell me about your life. the things you think, and what makes you sad. we are both so alike. i really could help. i guess it gives me a little taste of what you and the others were feeling when i was so depressed for so long. just seeing you like this, not even crying, makes me want to cry. i just want you to be happy, whatever that is. ill always be here for you. youre my best friend. and my brother.

stupid

sometimes i just get so sad i dont know what to do. i hate these mood swings that just hit me and i cant crawl out of them.

i realized today how much i actually dont know people. i hate it when you think you know someone. and then you see how much they actually have changed, and how things that were once special are not anymore. they have become the norm. i am sort of disgusted by the whole thing. i hate feeling like i did something when i know i didnt. things didnt happen the way you say they did. or the way you told people they did. why cant i just drop this.

anyway. i dont want to be thought of as creepy nice. what the fuck. i am not a suck up.

i really really want to go camping tonight, but i already promised dylan i would hang out with him since he is sad. i just hope everyone is going to want to go again soon with me.

i have eaten so many waffles recently.

thats how everyone measures pants.

scientology!

ive been sitting in kyles room for the past three hours. napping. complaining. internetting.

tonight is so boring. party downstairs. party in little five points. movie with kyle. go home and sleep. i dont know what to do!

patrick and i are looking for houses and i want to find one soon.

screen on the green was so crowded and it was so hot. christy had a red bull and vodka and felt sick and drunk. i drank two drinks and drove us home. how does she get so drunk.



there is so much turmoil going on in everyones lives. im happy to say im actually quite calm these days.

nothing much else to report. ro loved her room and her bike. we all love her and i hope she knows it.

time for a pedicure.

you just want me in your bed.

im up so early.
i cannnot wait for ro to get home today. we have missed her while she was gone.
patrick and i are looking at houses in howell station. there is a real great one above where rob and daryl lived. but pat and i would live with rob. my feelings are mixed at this point.
i went to a life worth living with pat aqnd nicole last night. i really enjoyed it. i think it is a good forum for me to talk and express feelings.
i asked god to send me a sign somehow. i am trying to not look into things to much. but i did get an unexpected check from my insurance company for almost the amount i owe on my deductable. i have to pay it today and i got the check yesterday. and last week, the day before my insurance was due, i received a check from paul for $225.00. about one hundred more than he owed me.
ive had so many unhealthy reminders recently. i will be glad when i get the face out of my head. the name out of my heart. one day ill be free. for now i will settle with unanswered messages.
i just want to know, what did i do to you that was so bad that you must act mad at me like i wronged you in some way.
daryl and yesenia have an italian greyhound puppy and i am so jealous!
screen on the green tonight. i love mommie dearest. no more depakote!!!! i suppose no one will know what i am talking about unless you resided in houston with me.
george called me last night!

swimming round in this rain swept town.

its six am and i am about to get into bed.
dylan convinced me to come over at one thirty. we watched lost highway. one of the david lynch movies i have not seen. i did not know that david lynch was also dylans favorite director.


Inland Empire
Rammstein: Lichtspielhaus
*The Short Films of David Lynch
Darkened Room
*Rabbits
*Mulholland Dr.
*The Straight Story
*Lost Highway
Lumière et compagnie
*"Hotel Room"
"On the Air"
*Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me
"American Chronicles"
*Wild at Heart
*"Twin Peaks"
Industrial Symphony No. 1: The Dream of the Broken Hearted
The Cowboy and the Frenchman
*Blue Velvet
Dune
*The Elephant Man
Eraserhead
*The Amputee
*The Grandmother
*The Alphabet
*Six Figures Getting Sick

i have seen all the movies with astericks.

kyle and i matched today.


fellinis


this week has started off better than the weekend ended. briana and i had a wonderful productive day shopping and doing a shoot. she got a new twelve inch ibook. tomorrow i will be conducting a computer class. and coloring her hair for her. kickball was cancelled due to the rain but we will reschedule for this week.

im half way through season three in six feet under. brenda is back! jessica is watching season four and i cant wait to find out what is going on. i need someone with hbo on demand so i can catch up!

swc

last night the past four months just came rushing before my eyes. a reminder of so many sad nights. so many days sitting on the floor in the bathroom. hurtful text messages. being blocked. and feeling betrayed.
did i actually do anything to feel this way. did i in some way harm this person or hurt their feelings. im not sure i did anything. except maybe love too much. cry too much. care too much. and what i got in return were things like, i never said i would get back together with you. please just leave me alone. youre being crazy.
last night i was reminded of it all. how can i still miss this person. even after everything still want to be with them. still love them. still think that they are so beautiful.
i guess time will have to heal this, because its all ive got.
i dont want to have to feel that uncomfortable sad again any time soon.
there was only a hi exchanged, but i guess thats better than being ignored, or vice versa. i wonder what he thinks. how he feels. does he ever miss me. was he sad to see me. does he still think i am beautiful. does he love me.
im sure the answer to those questions are no. i remember a response i got a few months ago, and i think it went a something like this. 'you know how i FELT about you'. like i guess its past tense. apparently you can forget about almost a year of your life in a matter of weeks.
fucking boyfriends. i need to stay away for a while.

pet sales record ad purchaser contract

20th century art history
composition and literature
survey of computer art applications

monday-thursday.

i like staying at the loft. i got dylan to come over for a minute and it was wonderful to see him. i hung out with zach and mike at some guys house and it was really fun. i am perfecting the game of snaps. all different kinds. i met a guy named daniel and he was so funny and he sounded just like borja.

tonight is a projector screen movie at the loift. i might go or i might not. dont want to have unexpected sightings.

ive received a sign, and i was able to pay my car insurance. im really all set now for money, which is amazing since i only worked one day and made ten dollars.

thanks to paul. i ate in cabbagetown the other day and i got a terrible queezy stomach. i also saw dave drive by, or turn the corner i guess to go into an alley.

atlanta?

i went to bane last night with zach and it was really fun. i had never hung out with him alone and it was nice. we got free cigarettes and made fun of all the evergreen terrace teenagers. i had my first day at work today and its really wonderful. im glad to have a job. and one that is fun. and people that are cool.

ive been having a lot of good long talks with people, even if they arent about me. i just want everyone to be happy.

im so happy to have so many wonderful new friends. people that i feel like i can talk to. people that actually like me, not pretend like they like me because they are friends with my boyfriend. where were you loft 302 and 198 atlanta ave all my life. i hope that when i move i will still have these people in my life. this summer is the most fun and memorable one i have had so far. [right now zach is in the other room playing air guitar, but it sounds more like he is r2d2]
kickball on monday was so fun. twenty four people played. matt hau was the kickball mvp. mafia is the most fun game i have ever played. i became such a wonderful liar.

this is long.

i really hope this works

http://video.freevideoblog.com/Player.aspx?fileid=EA5220D1-F81F-4B6F-90F0-CE5770A61490

thats a video from the party. you must have windows media player to watch it. it tends to stop and music goes on. but you never know. im new to this.

------------------------------------

tonight i went to church.
it was very strange. when the worship was going on, i was just looking around at all of the people. hands raised in the air. really feeling something. what is it. i remember when i was 'christian'. i remember feeling something. but i think i was sort of faking. all of my life, i have realized i am not myself. i dont even know who i am. i know everyone says that. its so cliche. but really. i have always been so and so.s girlfriend. i thought going to houston was really going to help that. i know it gave me a push in the right direction. but i think tonight. sitting there next to ro. it just hit me. everything that has happened in my life up to this point has been shit. i went to sit by christy and i sort of just fell apart. last time i went to trinity i cried also. it was the night my mom came to my apartment and spoon fed me apple sauce. she cleaned my apartment and drove me home. she dragged me to church and i just layed my head on her shoulder and cried. cried until i fell asleep from exhaustion. maybe its a sign. melanie asked me to go to church and i just laughed. then ro asked me today and i thought, why not. she said, well maybe this will be your night. then i remembered christy telling me that lesley had been praying for me. which is so strange. i never think that people are thinking of me. how can people be so caring and genuine. i wish i could get to a place in my life where i believed in something whole heartedly. so much that i could trust someone or something else with my life, instead of just being vulnerable all of the time, and depending on something that will never save me. i sometimes wish that i could believe in something. but i have never experienced anything to make me think otherwise. i think being younger, i was 'christian' because everyone else was. it was just another one of my phases. my identity crisis. i hope that this is not the same. hanging out with everyone that is christian. i hope that for once maybe i am doing something or thinking about something i actually want to think or ponder. but honestly i just dont know. i never know what i really think. do i really like this. do i really think this. when you second guess your every thought its quite frightening. a constant battle in your head. arguing back and forth between what i really think, and thinking something else and not knowing if i really believe that. or am i just saying it because thats what everyone wants to hear. i never seem to know. i dont even know who i am. i almost want someone to tell me. but then that would go against everything i have just said. sitting next to christy, just crying and not being able to stop, and wanting to was almost a nice feeling. i enjoy it when i feel something real. something that has doesnt have to do with spencer. or finance struggles. or other selfish feelings. i just cried for my family. for my life. how i have almost thrown it away two times in the past year. it finally hit me what i have done. how i have taken advantage of all the things in life. my family who loves me. i cant even imagine what it would feel like to be them. wanting to fix something but being completely helpless. im so sorry. i have been so terrible. i really cant believe that my life has been what it has. looking back on the past year, i believe it is going to be one i remember. one of the worst, but hopefully one of the best. i have made a lot of changes and i hope they are for the best. 2004 was a very difficult year. never have i felt so in love, lost, desperate, alone, needed and wanted, totally neglected, and every other possible emotion. i think about myself four months ago. completely lost. given all power to someone else. expecting someone to fix me. put me back together. make me happy. save me. and it never works. i scare them away. i am too much. its so cliche and true that you must love and take care of yourself, because no one can do it for you. i thought i was the most in love i could ever be. but then, look what happened. one day the want to marry you, the next they never want to talk to you. blocked. ignored. when does this happen. why does this happen. im finally getting to the point where i can look back on things and realize it has turned out better than it could have. this past year could be the best thing that has ever happened to me. i have realized what true friends are. how wonderful and lucky i am to have the family i have. how blessed my life has been. i want to be shown a sign. something. anything to make me believe something else can rule my life, other than myself, or a boyfriend. i want to have depth. and be real. not some plastic person. being to everyone what they want me to be. maybe one day i will be okay with myself. not be self conscious. like how i look. how i sound. how i appear. when will this happen. is it wrong to want proof. i need proof. my belief is not enough. i dont have faith. i dont trust very many things. being an extremely paranoid individual doesnt help the situation. i want to get to a point where i do not regret the things i have done. where i dont wish i was someone else. i want to never think of spencer in a sad way. i i want to forget all of the sadness. all of the betrayal i feel. real or imagined. i want to like myself, even if someone else doesnt want to be with me. i want to think i am good enough for someone. not feel like a doormat. a nobody. never again will i allow a boyfriend to do me what that breakup did. i never want to sit on the floor in the bathroom all night crying, throwing up in the toilet. laying in bed and not even being able to love. having to be forced to eat by others. i never want to feel as desperate and alone as i did. i want to be able to walk into a pharmacy and not think about all of the medication i had purchased. all the medication i once swollowed. the even larger amount i was so close to swollowing. i will never let this happen again. i cannot. i will not do what i have done to my family and friends this past year ever again. i dont even want to get close to the point of these feelings because i feel like i might not have the strength to make it through one more time. i dont want my life to end so soon, on my behalf because i was not strong enough to put myself back together. watching prozak nation just reminded me of how my life was. completely distraught. feeling like no one will ever understand you. feeling like life will never be better. im glad i didnt get completely out of control. i almost cant believe the state i was in. i never would have thought that i would be that person. no one grows up thinking they will be suicidal one day. i hope that in next months to come all of these suicidal thoughts will go away. its not pleasant to still have suicidal idealations after being in a hospital for two months. how much more could i do to help myself. life seems so helpless sometimes. i really cant imagine anyone will read this. it is more for myself. i havent actually expressed real thoughts in a very long time. im always trying to be so witty. so pretty. so cool. so fashionable. so funny. im so fake. i hate it. i want to think real thoughts. have real feelings. mean what i say. mean what i think. mean what i do. stop being a showcase. and be genuine. so please, someone anyone. give me some sort of sign that there is a chance for me. to finally feel something real and not feel like i have to carry myself through life all alone.


fin.

the names powder p

windsuit party playlist

2PAC - Changes
You're Unbelievable
Aaliyah - Are You That Somebody?
Ace Of Base - Dont Turn Around
Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know
Alanis Morissette - Hand In My Pocket
Aqua - Barbie Girl
Arrested Development - Mr. Wendall
Backstreet boys - I Want I That Way
Backstreet Boys - Quit Playing Games With My Heart
Better Than Ezra - Good
Black Eyed Peas - Don't Phunk With My Heart
Black Eyed Peas - My Humps
Blackstreet - No Diggity
Blind Melon - No Rain
Boyz II Men - On Bended Knee
Chumbawumba - I Get Knocked Down
Cranberries - Linger
Eiffel 65 - Blue (Da Ba Dee)
Eve 6 - Heres To The Night
Jade - Don't Walk Away
Jock Jams - Get Ready to Rumble
Junior Senior - Move Your Feet
Los Del Rio - Macarena
Lou Bega - Mambo No.5
Mo Thugs - Ghetto Cowboy
Quad City DJsC'mon N' Ride It (The Train)
Quad City DJs - Space Jam
Queen - We Are The Champions
Soul Asylum - Runaway Train
Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun
Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life
Third Eye Blind - Motorcycle Drive By
TLC - Dont Go Chasing Waterfalls
Verve Pipe - The Freshman
Violent Femmes - Blister in the Sun
Weezer - Holiday
69 Boyz - Let Me Ride That Donkey
Ace Of Base - I Saw The Sign
Bone Thugs n Harmony - Tha Crossroads
Coolio - Gangstas Paradise
Counting Crows - Mr. Jones
69 Boyz - Tootsie Roll
Salt N Peppa - Push It
Savage Garden - Truly Madly Deeply
Snap - I've Got the Power
Usher - Nice and Slow
Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby
Jay-Z - Money aint a thang
Mo Thugs - All good
Juvenile - Back that thing up

kyle susan and christy


zach on my bike


christy and the pe teachers sam and leslie


christy and i


she looks like a midget


dance party with pat scott zach and christy


the girls




tlc waterfalls




slow danding to boys II men


kyle dancing with susan


emotional


mick


the married couples


melanie and christy


jhoni and shannon showing some 90s class


im trying to host a video of dancing to chumbawumba. check back soon.

so many people. so much gatorade. not enough 90's music.

we are in the planning stages of a new themed party.

tonight, tonight

christy and i went to bed at 5.15 after a long night of painting, cleaning, baking muffins, and dancing in the street with undies on.
we wowed our other roommates with all of our late night accomplishments.
im baking cupcakes and cookies. i cannot wait for tonight.
and just to reiterate.. you must wear a windsuit to come inside!

i love when i look on my buddy list, and out of the 14 people online, 8 of them have ichat.

this is the fifth or so night i have been up until four am.

tonight the boys convinced christy and i that when a girl is on her period, a smell is released that is very faint. zach was smelling our armpits assuring us we were indeed not on our periods.

sometimes confrontation really is the key to everything.

i think i got the job at the west egg. it will be wonderful to make some money.

tomorrow is screen on the green and i am very excited. to kill a mockingbird is so good!

hi katy!
get to your resort in the south already!

road to nowhere.

hello to no one who reads this!

im just getting back to the sweat box that is loft 302. today i quickly sewed my dad an apron. its very cute. i made it a las vegas theme, complete with heart, spade, club, and diamond buttons. also dice buttons.

i spoke with jeff just ten minutes ago and he is trying to bail out on coming to atlanta. and mark my words, i will choke him out if he doesnt come. plus he has some choking out to do of his own.

windsuit party on saturday. i am so excited. i still need to get the huge orange coolers and we have to find bugles in bulk.

tonight i had room service with my brother and my dad. i decided that if i get the job at the west egg this week than i will stay in atlanta until august 1. but if i do not, then july 1 here i come. im going to live in a studio in the city by myself. its going to be quite an adventure.

im not exactly sure why i am here. everyone is playing poker and i am writing in this while i am sweating and mike is making pasta and sauce right next to me on the stove. i guess i just feel like an annoyance. like, why you been acting so messed up towards me lately. im listening to francoise hardy. it sort of makes me sad because it reminds me of people i once knew. people who i wish i still did. who werent mad at me for no reason. or pretend like that never wanted to by my friend again. oh well. i guess thats what being a teenager is all about.

my dad let me put my phone payment on his credit card so i am back in the game. just not until the 13th when i have a new plan and i can talk more often.

there are so many people i need to call. andrew. leigh. sarah. lindsey. jessica. briana. diana. all people that have called me that i havent called back. dylan too.

im going to watch six feet under season three!

dont try and call me because my phone is shut off.

"sometimes i wish i could walk around with a HANDLE WITH CARE sign stuck to my forehead. sometimes i wish that there were a way to let people know that just because i live in a world without rules, and in a life that is lawless, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt so bad the morning after. sometimes i think that i was forced to withdraw into depression because it was the only rightful protest i could throw in the face of a world that said it was alright for people to come and go as they please, that there were simply no real obligations left."

prozac nation

maybe my number one.

i just watched hotel rwanda. i really could have cried for a long time. its so devastating. and i feel so ignorant for not knowning what goes on in the world.

recently i have been going to a lot of parties, and being quite social.



thats my prom dress. i sewed it all by myself. im sort of proud. no pattern or anything.

leigh isnt moving to san francisco anymore, which is really disappointing. but i have decided that i will be fine. i need to do something on my own for once. me and holden will be fine. i am going to live in the city instead of berkeley, but maybe with a roommate. im scared and im sad.
i really hope i get this job at the west egg. i need to make money really badly. i am broke. i think my phone is about to be turned off. this has never happened to me before.
tomorrow i am going to ellijay with my family to see their new house. we were all planning on going tubing but since they havent actually bought the house yet, we dont have the pass to do it. it is in this weird community, and so it is only two dollars. they pick you up at the end and drive you back. how nice. one day we will fulfill our summer tubing desire.

today pat rented sasquatch hunter. hes so weird.

i hate being sad. i have old memories. and knowing that life goes on without you. people might have better, more perfect lives without me in it. it makes me sad. but then i think about the things that i wont be missing out on. i guess there are always good things in every bad situation. at least i have real friends that want to do things that i think are fun. i cant believe how long i sat around never voicing my opinion on what i actually wanted.

i think i like writing in this because i know that no one reads it. and i can post pictures and look back at it and remember what was going on, in chronological order. i really wish that jenns roommate would pay me the 200 dollars, but it appears as though that is never going to happen.

there is so much wedding talk. daryl and yesenia. pat and nicole getting married. skye and sam. lesley and sam. some other young couple that pat and nicole are friends with. a british girl at trinity. kyle was the best man in a wedding tonight. zach borwn went to a wedding. christy went to a wedding. her sister went to another one. my sister is getting married.
when am i going to be in a wedding, well besides in january.

man smoking pot is cool! sike.

gigantic picture update

susan in her summer special ed outfit


christy and i with a black face mask on


getting ready


getting ready


cookout


jtrav at the coookout


me drunk at the cookout


the last supper from jesus times


candlelight


kyle being crazy


practicing for the windsuit party


stoplight party


singles


nicole and nick switched pants


so enthused


courtney after she had a cupcake


dancing


trash life


more dancing


ginna rachel and dude i dont know


matt


ro!


198 atlanta minus nicole


grocery shopping for our baby


christy pregnant and i am her lesbian lover