this is long.

i really hope this works

http://video.freevideoblog.com/Player.aspx?fileid=EA5220D1-F81F-4B6F-90F0-CE5770A61490

thats a video from the party. you must have windows media player to watch it. it tends to stop and music goes on. but you never know. im new to this.

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tonight i went to church.
it was very strange. when the worship was going on, i was just looking around at all of the people. hands raised in the air. really feeling something. what is it. i remember when i was 'christian'. i remember feeling something. but i think i was sort of faking. all of my life, i have realized i am not myself. i dont even know who i am. i know everyone says that. its so cliche. but really. i have always been so and so.s girlfriend. i thought going to houston was really going to help that. i know it gave me a push in the right direction. but i think tonight. sitting there next to ro. it just hit me. everything that has happened in my life up to this point has been shit. i went to sit by christy and i sort of just fell apart. last time i went to trinity i cried also. it was the night my mom came to my apartment and spoon fed me apple sauce. she cleaned my apartment and drove me home. she dragged me to church and i just layed my head on her shoulder and cried. cried until i fell asleep from exhaustion. maybe its a sign. melanie asked me to go to church and i just laughed. then ro asked me today and i thought, why not. she said, well maybe this will be your night. then i remembered christy telling me that lesley had been praying for me. which is so strange. i never think that people are thinking of me. how can people be so caring and genuine. i wish i could get to a place in my life where i believed in something whole heartedly. so much that i could trust someone or something else with my life, instead of just being vulnerable all of the time, and depending on something that will never save me. i sometimes wish that i could believe in something. but i have never experienced anything to make me think otherwise. i think being younger, i was 'christian' because everyone else was. it was just another one of my phases. my identity crisis. i hope that this is not the same. hanging out with everyone that is christian. i hope that for once maybe i am doing something or thinking about something i actually want to think or ponder. but honestly i just dont know. i never know what i really think. do i really like this. do i really think this. when you second guess your every thought its quite frightening. a constant battle in your head. arguing back and forth between what i really think, and thinking something else and not knowing if i really believe that. or am i just saying it because thats what everyone wants to hear. i never seem to know. i dont even know who i am. i almost want someone to tell me. but then that would go against everything i have just said. sitting next to christy, just crying and not being able to stop, and wanting to was almost a nice feeling. i enjoy it when i feel something real. something that has doesnt have to do with spencer. or finance struggles. or other selfish feelings. i just cried for my family. for my life. how i have almost thrown it away two times in the past year. it finally hit me what i have done. how i have taken advantage of all the things in life. my family who loves me. i cant even imagine what it would feel like to be them. wanting to fix something but being completely helpless. im so sorry. i have been so terrible. i really cant believe that my life has been what it has. looking back on the past year, i believe it is going to be one i remember. one of the worst, but hopefully one of the best. i have made a lot of changes and i hope they are for the best. 2004 was a very difficult year. never have i felt so in love, lost, desperate, alone, needed and wanted, totally neglected, and every other possible emotion. i think about myself four months ago. completely lost. given all power to someone else. expecting someone to fix me. put me back together. make me happy. save me. and it never works. i scare them away. i am too much. its so cliche and true that you must love and take care of yourself, because no one can do it for you. i thought i was the most in love i could ever be. but then, look what happened. one day the want to marry you, the next they never want to talk to you. blocked. ignored. when does this happen. why does this happen. im finally getting to the point where i can look back on things and realize it has turned out better than it could have. this past year could be the best thing that has ever happened to me. i have realized what true friends are. how wonderful and lucky i am to have the family i have. how blessed my life has been. i want to be shown a sign. something. anything to make me believe something else can rule my life, other than myself, or a boyfriend. i want to have depth. and be real. not some plastic person. being to everyone what they want me to be. maybe one day i will be okay with myself. not be self conscious. like how i look. how i sound. how i appear. when will this happen. is it wrong to want proof. i need proof. my belief is not enough. i dont have faith. i dont trust very many things. being an extremely paranoid individual doesnt help the situation. i want to get to a point where i do not regret the things i have done. where i dont wish i was someone else. i want to never think of spencer in a sad way. i i want to forget all of the sadness. all of the betrayal i feel. real or imagined. i want to like myself, even if someone else doesnt want to be with me. i want to think i am good enough for someone. not feel like a doormat. a nobody. never again will i allow a boyfriend to do me what that breakup did. i never want to sit on the floor in the bathroom all night crying, throwing up in the toilet. laying in bed and not even being able to love. having to be forced to eat by others. i never want to feel as desperate and alone as i did. i want to be able to walk into a pharmacy and not think about all of the medication i had purchased. all the medication i once swollowed. the even larger amount i was so close to swollowing. i will never let this happen again. i cannot. i will not do what i have done to my family and friends this past year ever again. i dont even want to get close to the point of these feelings because i feel like i might not have the strength to make it through one more time. i dont want my life to end so soon, on my behalf because i was not strong enough to put myself back together. watching prozak nation just reminded me of how my life was. completely distraught. feeling like no one will ever understand you. feeling like life will never be better. im glad i didnt get completely out of control. i almost cant believe the state i was in. i never would have thought that i would be that person. no one grows up thinking they will be suicidal one day. i hope that in next months to come all of these suicidal thoughts will go away. its not pleasant to still have suicidal idealations after being in a hospital for two months. how much more could i do to help myself. life seems so helpless sometimes. i really cant imagine anyone will read this. it is more for myself. i havent actually expressed real thoughts in a very long time. im always trying to be so witty. so pretty. so cool. so fashionable. so funny. im so fake. i hate it. i want to think real thoughts. have real feelings. mean what i say. mean what i think. mean what i do. stop being a showcase. and be genuine. so please, someone anyone. give me some sort of sign that there is a chance for me. to finally feel something real and not feel like i have to carry myself through life all alone.


fin.