bro time

i made a huge step today and went to a pool party where i knew i wasnt going to know a lot of people.
brianas house is fucking huge and nice. i actually socialized with evil sean and gene and some other crazy dude smoking a cigar. everyone was either high or drunk or both. stupid. i floated on a raft in the pool with a cigarette.

i think i might be back on track for moving to san francisco july first. i hope leigh is still up to it after i had to back out. but im back in the game.

memorial day is monday and i am going to the laser show with jtrav and joey. i wonder if we can make smores at a campfire. can you do that.

leigh and jeremiah are college graduates!

this book jeremiah lent me is wonderful. i cant wait to read his other books.

wheat thins were buy one get one free today!

holden is so cute!

the things you wish you said while walking out the door down the stairs.

what a fucking day.

on my way home from savannah i got into a wreck in stop and go traffic. the old couple i hit were so rude to me. [i think it was ben stillers father and his wife, driving a mini van from florida.]

i didnt eat until one hour ago.

i got totally rejected, but in a not so bad way. im still pretty right? just the icing on the cake, as they say.

i am going to the trinity prom. with skot. its going to be fun. not that i think napolean dynamite is really that cool.

i need 404 dollars by the 31st.

fashion show is over. my trip is over. savannah is over. im not sure why i would ever come back here. i have 48 dollars. i owe a lot of money right now.
i talked to jeff today and i love him. he is actually a wonderful friend.

im tired. tadd bought me a shot of jager. is that how you spell it. it was like black twizzlers. tomorrow i am going home. i want to see my brother. i have to talk to someone about slips through cracks.

im sick of being depressed.

im so proud that leigh poindexter is my best friend. she is wonderful, and i am so proud of her for tonight. she is so wonderful and i love her.

goodnight. im sleepingwith tessa, hopkins, and mocha for the seventh night in a row.

i also love leighs grandparents. and her whole family.

i do love my parents. really.

i never knew how much this would stir up. lives have changed. things have been altered.

for you and only you.

its five oclock in the afternoon and i have done nothing productive today except wash my hair and wash my car [inside and out].

its hard being here when everyone is busy with final projects, and fashion shows, and exams, and work. i guess it helps me get used to being alone. yesterday i drove downtown for a while. then got saigon to go and went to home run video. old memories washed over me. like hours and hours of searching for videos. renting clockstoppers instead of clockwatchers. lindsey going into the porn room. old gallery. cold nights on the cold seats with very short skirts. the very first time i met jeremiah was at gallery. i was wearing an oversized throwdown hoodie that jeff gave me.

im glad i am going to a school that is worth a damn. although it is a pain in my ass to have to send in portfolios of five classes i have already taken, in order to get credit for them. anyone have any idea what i should send infor intro to textiles. i dont think we made anything.

not to mention all of my artwork is in storage at czarnowski. good thing i labeled all of the boxes.

leigh and jeremiah are moving to atlanta. too bad i am leaving atlanta.

i feel totally blown off. i think i have learned that i am too overbearing and overwhelming and i scare people away. so those of you that are my friends and stick around, thanks for dealing with me.

fashion show on thursday. i am really excited about this. i am helping out backstage. and tomorrow at five i am getting both of my legs tattooed. sally and martin.

when i get home i want more sleepovers. more swimming. more late night talks. and new invitations.

pictures!

this is what has been going on this weekend/week.

photoboot at the fashion show after party. leigh jeremiah tirza and i.


afterparty


cranberry and vodka


skeeball at the mall


skeeball is like gambling for me. i just cant stop. one more game.


the boys.


the beginning of the night.


one drink.


two drinks.


three drinks.

WHY DO I LOVE KEY LIME PIE MARTINIS. AND RICE KRISPY TREATS AND CHEF BOYARDI RAVIOLI!
I LOVE SAVANNAH. IM NEVER LEAVING LEIGH AGAIN.

savannah in a nutshell.

martinis!
skeeball!
horrible wish i could take back drunk text messages!
best friends!
cartel?!

why oh why.

today i finished at the czar. my dad wrote a mean email to jim. i returned six thousand dollars of shit. i broke the screen on my phone. shopped for a shoot. ate a lot of food with sandi. bought new gold aviator glasses. made a fool of myself. got locked out on a balcony of a loft on the fifth floor for twenty minutes until a woman from the building adjacent somehow got into the building and then into the loft and let us out. i bought new jeans. im going to a members only club with lindsey and her friend scott. pretty much my life has come to this. hanging out with my brothers friends and going to clubs with homosexuals. i hate my past. i wish i could change everything about it. ive decided im staying the whole summer. i am going to stay with ro nicole and christy and pay them each fifty dollars. i am going to get a new job and keep styling. ill move to san francisco in august. and start school in september. tomorrow i have a shoot and then i have to drive straight to savannah and make it in time for the fashion show. where i will be reunited with so many people and a town with wonderful memories. i want everyone to go to www.borjagofar.com and watch my friend borjas movies of friends in savannah.it is really beautiful. i rented proxak nation that only came out in japan and i dont think i will have time to watch it. maybe pat and kyle can tomorrow. ahhhhh. no more crushes. i have to stop. i cant take it. i hate when i want something and cant have it. other girls go away. i dont care if you are more beautiful than me. and probably cooler also. and im sure skinnier. but arent i cool. i bought nw deoderant and it is peach flavored and i love it. oh summertime.

heres to summer nighs. i hope its better than the last.

recently i have really been feeling as though i actually do have a new life ahead of me. a new season as some might say. after my trip to california, i really feel a sense of peace unlike any i have felt in quite some time. i dont know if it is the relief of things not being as bad as i once thought. or the meetings. or just being around all of the people i love. i know it has been a huge help for me to be around patrick and nicole and christy so much. they are all such important people in my life. i am so lucky to be able to spend most of my time with them. i have a wonderful family. although there are times when i am sad. sad about the friends passed. the fun times passed. i know that i have more to come. this is the first time in a long time that it actually feels like summer. sneaking into hot tubs. jumping from sand dunes. all night sleepovers. going out to dinner. riding with the windows down. summertime clothing and music. i am just so pleased with life right now, at this very second. as crazy as it sounds i almost dont want my time in atlanta to end. i want to camp ut at 198 atlanta ave for the whole summer. have sleepovers and cookouts. go tanning with christy and shopping with nicole. and do extreme sports activities with loft 302. i have always been told, and known so, that i am not very adventurous. i am trying to do things i am not supposed to be doing. like climbing over very high fences in the middle of the night and at least climbing the sand. [when i climed over the ledge and jumped, i sunk into the wet sand and couldnt find my sandals for about 5 minutes. zack brown and matt hau had to come to my rescue and help me dig them out. i ended up throwin them in the woods and going the rest of the night barefoot.]
----------
and it's only doubts that we're counting
on fingers broken long ago
i read with every broken heart
we should become more adventurous
----------
i also spent the night at the loft and had a wonderful late night talk with kyle until about 5. making new friends is really wonderful. even if all they are, are just friends. pat and i went to the humane society and i want to have 400 dogs and 5000 kittens now. i think i am going to visit there once a week and play with a dog. or maybe volunteer. i think i would like that. im thinking of getting a waitressing job because i need more money. three jobs, alright! i received this email from my mom, and even in my good mood, it made me cry. if you have ever been to my house, you will know how much it means to all of us.
----------
Dear Sarah, Patrick and Lindsey,

This morning I was thinking about the house and all that it means to sell it. We all know it is not the typical house. Literally, figuratively and spiritually. What has gone on in this house over the years has very much to do with who you are today. It has become a legacy that you will carry with you. Stories you will tell your children.

There has been so much life, love, and restoration here. It has been a safe haven for many, but especially for us as a family.

I know what that feeling is when you walk in the front door. Kind of like walking through the wardrobe into Narnia. I am washed over with comfort and longing when I pull into the driveway. There is a wonderful casualness and whimsy that permeates the whole property. I will miss it. I will miss how it just draws people to the front door and they spill out their life. It has been such a wonderful fantastic experience. What a gift! I thought I might be unemotional about leaving but writing this, I see that is not true. I know it will be hard for all of us. And while I may not be in Suwanee any more, you will not be without a home base. It will just be elsewhere. And there will always be room for you.

I hope you can forgive me for selling the Rhodes House, but it is time. Understand this, though, the spirit of the place, the feel it has, it is here because it is inside me. And where I move to, it goes with me. I believe that with all my heart. And that is not to say that it simply is a cool house and no one else has one like it.

This is a new season for all of us. We are all embarking on new territory. I love you all so much and want us to stay connected in the way we have always been. We are a blessed group to have so much love and peace between us.

Love always and forever,

mom

it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth..

im restless. tired. lonely. when will these days end. youd think after all the talking and explaining i have done, i would feel better. why is life so hard.
i made one stupid mistake after another today. bad ideas. bad follow throughs.
im so awkward.
when will i move. will leigh come with me.
being blocked sucks. being pathetic is pathetic.
my hair is curly. and clean but dirty.
this is all about agreeing and disagreeing. lying and telling the truth. loneliness and contentment.
two photo shoots this week. three magazines this month. one cover. one five page spread. one workout section.

cheers.

-l

summertime. nights they are so long.

day two in the office. i just dont think this is going to work out. jim just doesnt give me enough stuff to do. i should just be his personal designer and thats all. maybe live in girlfriend too.

yesterday was a long day of travelling. nicole pat kyle ian his girlfriend neil and i drove to helen to go tubing. it rained and the place closed. we bought fudge and went home.

at ten we scaled a very high fence to go into a hot tub.

sleepover at the loft. kyle and i were up until three watching garden state.

im back to dunkin donuts extra cream extra sugar coffee and a coffee cake muffin.

im in love with having so many new people to hang out with. its so refeshing and wonderful.

peanut butter sandwich.

im at pats loft.

today nicole and i spent 6000 dollars on kitchen stuff for jims loft. we also got nesting tables, a rug, three lamps, a mirror, and a clock. its going to be so spectacular.

i have to design the closet.
pick the paint.
talk to the flooring people.
get all the patio stuff.
buy a bed and all other furniture.

i got a kiss on the head from jim. too bad its more of a father daughter thing. maybe in a few years.
on sunday i am going tubing and it will be so fun.

im missing peter murphy right now because i dont have any money.

next week i have two magazine shoots to do. so thats another cover, a four page spread and a fitness routine. awesome.

look for my online portfolio soon.

i just played poker for the first time. i lost. i had cherry pop-eyes. and an odwalla smoothie.

im sad now at 2:13 in the morning. christy come home.

edit.

i love living with the girls. it makes me feel happy again. something i havent been in a very long time.
christy and i stay up late at night sitting on the porch, then getting into bed while discussing and listing goals we would like to accomplish. what is number one you ask? buy jump ropes!

i have a small made up crush on a boy that lives with pat. no one will ever know who.

right now we are having a cookout. i made a orange dream drink that is so good. ive been laying in the grass in the backyard with an apron on.

tomorrow i am getting paid by czarnowski to go to jims new loft on lucky and spring. i have to talk with the people laying the floors. help design the closet with the closet people from california. then i have to go shopping to furnish his entire loft. yes. i have jim milanowskis american express card in my possession. boy do i love him. his exact words: go crazy. i dont care how much this costs.
so i have to buy everything. curtains. stools. paintings. kitchen stuff. towels. a bed. im so excited. this is the best job ever.

im drinking watermelon vodka in a wine glass right now. its strong.

also. if anyone sees a christy imposter, its me. i am raiding her closet while she is gone. shell never know!

whats up son.

i just got back from a shoot in this field with fucking ticks. it reminds me when leigh said that spencer had to get a tick out of her ass when they did their shoot in a field. but our lady was a fake pregnant.

i put the belly on and i was a cute pregnant woman! all i need is a boyfriend. except i dont.

now im in my undies and a wife beater on christys computer.

dinner at spice tonight.

thanks to all the ladies in my life for putting me up this week.
shout outs to jessica, christy, and nicole.

is that your gonja? i wouldnt mind some.

today was the happiest i have been in about four months.

although i got my chipped tooth fixed and two fillings. my entire mouth was numb and when i drank water, half of it was cold in my mouth and the other half was warm.

christy and i got dressed up, bought drinks and things for sandwiches and ate them in walgreens parking lot.

the decemberists were so good. anyone who likes them and missed it, you missed out. it was so fucking awesome. ive decided i am only going to shows of bands i love. i mean i really love them. and it was so good.
i saw my english teacher that i had a crush on, and also jtrav and joey.

now im back and christy and i are going to go on the porch and drink.

im starting to love life again.

even photos and cars and streets and bands cant bring me down anymore. thank you time.

im not moderately fucked. im moderately-fantastically-fucked. im so fucked i cant even bring myself to talk about the cause of my extravagant fuckage.

i wanted to add this.
i finished reading the frog king. my dad picked this book out for me on a whim at city lights bookstore in san francisco.
its about a guy whos life is so fucked up. hes lazy. treats his girlfriend like shit. ie. cheats on her all the time for no reason. doesnt wash his clothing a lot. is very poor. never goes to work. and is an alcoholic. his girlfriend breaks up with him and he goes crazy. he realizes how much he cares about her, yet he cant seem to tell her that he loves her. he gets fired, evicted from his apartment, and spends all of his money on alcohol. he finally reaches this point where he decides he wants to fix his life.

------------------------------
'what do you do when you expend all of this energy making yourself worth somebody and the only somebody you will ever want is loving someone else'

------------------------------

even after writing a novel about their relationship, getting a job, running, cooking, and bathing more, she still doesnt want him.

------------------------------

'what good is making yourself worth someone if the only person you were changing for is out of your life forever?'
'without evie there is nothing good about being good.'
'if a heart breaks in a forest with no one around to hear it, does it really count?'
'no it does not.'

------------------------------

finally he realizes.

------------------------------

'im not sure exactly what i will do. but there is one thing i am sure of: i will not make the same mistakes. i will not be selfish and deceitful and corrupt. i will not be lazy. i will not drink like a madman all the time. i will not be furtive, shady, and unlawful. i will be brave and full of love.'
'i think to myself: i can do this. i can do anything.'

------------------------------

and i was thinking to myself. i can do this. i can pick my life up. one day at a time. make a schedule. exercise. i know its silly to get motivation from a fictional book. but i feel like it was a push in the right direction. i liked how much it pertained to me. always trying to make myself better for the one person i care about. and then they dont want you. then you think that there is nothing else. why try and be happy when the one thing you want, you cant have. but i finally realized i dont need that one person. i can be okay. and i will be okay. and eventually i will be completely happy again, just like harry driscoll

doing crossword puzzles in the parking lot in buford

scooter gang showed up at nine this morning. we rode to subway and to get coffee.

the condo deal fell through and my dad is so stressed about money. he starting putting me on a guilt trip about how he owes his company 39,000 for my trip to houston. what am i supposed to do. i already feel bad.

i had been trying so hard, and doing such a good job and holding things together. although i knew that just one little thing could push me back over that edge. and it happened. im so tired of being sad. crying. being hopeless. having no one understand. having everyone thing i am self centered, and that i think i am the only one that is sad. i know everyone is stressed. i know it isnt all about me. but i want everyone else to know that i am aware of that. i know what i am doing is affecting others. i know everyone else has their own problems to deal with, not to mention my problems.

so im sorry mom and dad. i know i have put you through a lot. and i hate it. i hope that one day i can make it up to you both.

it is nice to know i have friends who will listen when i am finally ready to talk.

i wish i could pack up sarah norwood and ship her here to my house so i could take her to the grocery store and out to get ice cream. so i would always have someone who knows exactly how i feel. someone who wont make me feel crazy for feeling the way that i do.

i hope that my dreams will come true. and that leigh poindexter, my soul mate, will move to san francisco and we will hide away in our small apartment meant for one, with tessa and holden, and have a perfect life together.
boys need not apply until may 2006.

at 12:45 i decided to meet john and his friends at taco mac. i had two shots of jack daniels. and i have decided, i do in fact hate whiskey. now i am home, still awake, wishing my mind would slow down enough to sleep a little while.

old mixed cds from kenn24 remind me of christmas.

im so uncool because i have a blog, and undeleting your livejournal is so the thing to do these days.

but i will continue to write where no one will read a thing.

today while driving down the interstate, i saw the most amazing creature.
picture this: white mustang cobra convertible. license plate WUTEVRR. duel exhaust. spiked blonde hair. upside down backwards visor. barb wire tattoo on left arm. tank top. head bouncing to whatever jams he was playing on the radio.

i just sat there, alone in my car, and basked in all of his glory.

im completely moved out of apartment number 221. i had to flush rolf, artie, and pierre down the toilet. sorry guys but it was time for you to go. the entire habitat that they had created for themselves in the last three months with no food and fresh oxygen reeked of outrageous smelling sulfer.

i wish that i hadnt fucked up in my life so much. things could/would be so different right now.

maybe soon ill get that break.

i bought 10 boxes of cards today at michaels. they were one dollar each. i obsess over cards, anyone who knows me would be aware of this fact.

random? not so random? you dont want it to be random?

today i modeled my sisters wedding dress and it was so unflattering. my thong, butt, and tattoo were all showing in the back and my mom took a photo.

john and i went to pf changs and i had two of my favorite drinks. key lime pie martini. then we went to quick trip and walmart. i bought sweat pants, a hoodie and a kids sized sleeping bag. we went to kroger and i got a lunchable and smirnoff ice. i know, im in highschool right.

we went to a closed park and i drank those gross drinks and had to squat down four times while holding onto a tree, one time touching a slug, and pee, while wiping myself with the bag that held the sleeping bag.

oh what a night.

i love holden.

i also wanted to add:

i dont remember who i was having this debate with, but i have been saying that andre 3000 still lives in atlanta, while the other person said no he moved to la, and i was sure he still lived here. and lo and behold, pat was working valet at lush, an upscale vegetarian restaurant, and he parked his car for him. so there! [to person i forgot who you were]!

im going to get a fucking crazy ass pedicure

these past two days have been wonderful. i got back from california safe and sound.
ive been spending a lot of time with nicole.

i bought the most incredible dress ever from j crew. i just love it. i have been lusting over it for over a month now.





nicoles new party dress.


part of my new green dress.


late night snacks.


leftovers.


khaki shorts crew.


nicole and christy are out dancing. pat is asleep in nicoles room. i am in christys.

i am officially moved out of my apartment. on to bigger and better things.

belated

anniversaries, when they mark something long gone, are not only hard ,but worse when you know you are the only one who remembers them.

im going home to atlanta tomorrow.
wednesday everything will be moved out of the apartment and i will be 'released' from the lease.

the 9th is the decemberists and i really want to go. but should i.

san francisco was so fun. i am so excited. i want to get out of atlanta.

i want and need lots of visitors when i move there.