im not moderately fucked. im moderately-fantastically-fucked. im so fucked i cant even bring myself to talk about the cause of my extravagant fuckage.

i wanted to add this.
i finished reading the frog king. my dad picked this book out for me on a whim at city lights bookstore in san francisco.
its about a guy whos life is so fucked up. hes lazy. treats his girlfriend like shit. ie. cheats on her all the time for no reason. doesnt wash his clothing a lot. is very poor. never goes to work. and is an alcoholic. his girlfriend breaks up with him and he goes crazy. he realizes how much he cares about her, yet he cant seem to tell her that he loves her. he gets fired, evicted from his apartment, and spends all of his money on alcohol. he finally reaches this point where he decides he wants to fix his life.

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'what do you do when you expend all of this energy making yourself worth somebody and the only somebody you will ever want is loving someone else'

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even after writing a novel about their relationship, getting a job, running, cooking, and bathing more, she still doesnt want him.

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'what good is making yourself worth someone if the only person you were changing for is out of your life forever?'
'without evie there is nothing good about being good.'
'if a heart breaks in a forest with no one around to hear it, does it really count?'
'no it does not.'

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finally he realizes.

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'im not sure exactly what i will do. but there is one thing i am sure of: i will not make the same mistakes. i will not be selfish and deceitful and corrupt. i will not be lazy. i will not drink like a madman all the time. i will not be furtive, shady, and unlawful. i will be brave and full of love.'
'i think to myself: i can do this. i can do anything.'

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and i was thinking to myself. i can do this. i can pick my life up. one day at a time. make a schedule. exercise. i know its silly to get motivation from a fictional book. but i feel like it was a push in the right direction. i liked how much it pertained to me. always trying to make myself better for the one person i care about. and then they dont want you. then you think that there is nothing else. why try and be happy when the one thing you want, you cant have. but i finally realized i dont need that one person. i can be okay. and i will be okay. and eventually i will be completely happy again, just like harry driscoll