one night i overheard..

photo update.

these are from the star bar a few months ago.


left to right:scooter wreckage. leigh and jeremiah. leigh and i in 2004. christmas gift exchange.


slumber party this past month. vortex christmas party. leigh anna and courtney in my bed. icecream at jakes.

the relationship standards.

on tuesday i wrecked on the scooter. again. face first on piedmont ave at 5:30pm. its sunday now and the bruise / road burn on my chin is beginning to fade. i can kneel again. and i can put an enclosed shoe on my foot.

on wednesday anna devin and ro came over. i never see those girls and i was very happy to have them back at least for one night.

friday night was the reunion i had been waiting for. patrick, peeb, brad, matt, and i all dressed up and went to babettes cafe. i saw steve lavie who used to work at emerils. i drank a kir royale and had escargots and beef tenderloin. creme brulee and a latte. everyone ended up spending about fifty dollars but it was well worth it for a night out with friends.

a man at work kissed my face and held my hands. he told me my hair was too hot. and that i was beautiful. he made me meet his friends and asked me to visit him in new york. im pretty sure he was gay. my manager says he is not. i used his business card to write a postcard and thats that. thats my new routine. any business cards i get from men at work asking me out are going straight to the nightly postcards.

the dogs wont stop pooping and peeing.

i received an email from one of my dearest friends who means the world to me. its nice to know that all the way across the world, in greece, someone thinks of you.
life has been rather difficult. i have been trying to figure things out, but keep going back to my old ways. old roads that i think lead to happiness that instead only lead to trouble and more sadness. more confusion. more drama.
late night talks and remembering to take my medication help things out.
i broke down at work in the middle of the rush and didnt stop crying until all of the tables were up. and now today my head hurts and my eyes are squinty and my head is heavy.
sheldon from work brought me project runway, so for the time remaining before work, that is what i will be feasting on. marta to and from work again. i really dont know what to do about my car. i need help.
leigh and i lunched today. that is our favorite thing to do on off days, at least off lunch days. i am so lucky to have my best friend right next door in my house. someone to do crossword puzzles with. we both have pens, and play twister with our arms to fill out the puzzle. our hair is long. our bodies are different. we like different things than we used to. we [i] have different boyfriends, different friends. but we are still favorites. i love her.

just turn and run away

murph and i are lounging around right now. ill take her for a walk and then go home.

i ate at harmony for the first time in two years. i of course got beef chow ho fun and curry pockets like jeff and i used to.

its saturday morning and my hair is bright bright. my teeth are white. my skin is pink. beauty here i come! ha.

last night at work at man named stu applebaum and his son billy applebaum came into emerils. the dad [stu] flirted with me the whole time and told me i was the best looking girl there. then licked his finger, touched my arm, and sizzled. he owns the great american cookie company at lenox and told me to come get some cookies whenever i want. when it was time to leave, billy came up to me and said he didnt want to be presumptuous but he would like to take me to dinner, and gave me his business card, all folded up. first time that has ever happened to me. we used his business card to write our nightly postcards and thats all he is getting. thank you father and son applebaum for making me feel a little better about myself.

what am i doing!

im awake very eary today to go to the doctors.

im so sad but i feel a huge burden lifted off of me.

tonight leigh and anna and i all have the night off.

i bought nip/tuck season two. broken flowers. love actually. and charlie and the chocolate factory.

i came home this morning to leigh in my bed. i like that.

dont try to solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution.

ten seconds left until midnight
nine chances to drown ourselves in black hair dye
eight faces turned away from the shock:
seven windows and
six of them were locked
five stories falling
forever and ever
three cheers to the mirror
now there are two of us
can we have one last dance?

today i decided to take a walk down memory lane. i listened to stretch armstrong while getting ready for work.
as i drove to work i listened to thursday.
then on the way home from work i listened to noise ratchet.
now im at home and i am listening to from autumn to ashes.
so maybe my walk is to bad music, but the memories are coming anyway.

most of this music reminds me of when i used to like having a lip ring. and jeff was my boyfriend and i was in love. maybe thats why this music has good connotations. i have forgotten the bad things and only remember the good. jeff was a great boyfriend. and he loved me. and he still does. only now in the way of i know he will always be there for me. i am lucky to now be in good standing with every ex boyfriend i have.



i came across this photo and i am reminded of how skinny i was. this photo was taken by spencer in his dorm, for a project of his. i had just gotten back from california visiting my dad and i think it was the first week since i had been back from the hospital that spencer and i had been haning out. i fell asleep on the couch and he carried me into his bed. i remember always wanting someone to do that. and he did.

this update is for jamie, who i know reads this, and is sick and trapped in her house.

new years was boring. i had no countdown. no kiss. no celebration. i worked as a polisher at work. got out at eleven and raced back home to get changed. dave couldnt hear his phone when i called. i sat in my car and waited for him to call back when the clock changed to 12:00 on my cell phone.

i have a new schedule and i get wednesday and thursday off. which is good for the project runway crew and that is about all.

im not sure what is going on in my life right now. im confused. and troubled. and i now have a lifelong struggle to deal with. i never thought this would be something i would ever have to deal with. but here i am. those words just repeat themselves over and over in my head.

there are times when i feel so useless. a little bit neglected and a little bit unspecial. what exactly am i doing.

i work a double tomorrow. maybe pastry guy will be at work and i can get a delicious dessert.

goodnight.

youre gay.

dave and jeff think everything is gay.