'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

in the past two weeks i have been to california and back. indiana and back. and now houston tonight.

pats birthday was on thursday and we had dinner and cake and loaded questions. i sewed him a pair of pajama pants and am in the middle of sewing him a red micro fleece robe.

this month has been hard.
im hoping next month is the best of my life. it better be for what it costs.

im tired of this weak stomach. watery eyes. and constant racing thoughts.

to anyone who actually reads this, you might be getting a letter from me. but for the next month and some, no phone, no internet, no interaction.

and to the above quote, i am trying to believe this is true, although the last part is quite hard.

well i just want to die.
you know. from the royal tenenbaums.

rathbuns isnt calling me.
i think paul hates me.
i bet my styling days are over.
jessica is out of town.
im depressed. again.
fuck this journal. and fuck all of you.
im getting drunk as to not feel anything. ever again.

monday night.

oh how things have changed.
its monday night and jenn and i are on our couch with dueling laptops.
our plan is liquor, sex and the city season six part one, and jessica.

id like to drink away my sadness for one night.

as for tomorrow, im starting fresh. no more crying. no more throwing up. school. lunch with cassandra. meeting with paul. dinner with someone special.

im really hoping, and if i believed, praying, that i will continue this process, succeed, and win [back] the prize.

so goodnight boys, its girls night.

nine months since may first.

im not sure what to write. or if i will even end up posting this. i know that no one will read it. except maybe you, next week or something, when you get around to it. i know how you hate it anyway.

im over at my moms house for lack of nothing better to do, and more so no one to spend time with. im dealing with the fact that i am going to be alone sometimes. its just not as easy for me.

the tea selection at my moms is not so good today. i was stuck with raspberry royale. all the cats are here. they are being sweet.

spencer and i skipped out on our last two classes. i sent a text message to pat that said 'enjoy philosophy sucka!' and he showed it to our teacher.

i spent the night with christy last night and we had late night talks until almost three am.

tomorrow i have a boring mens fitness shoot and then project runway with jessica and richard.

key lime pie martini with my mom tonight at pf changs.

im almost at a loss right now. i dont even know what to do with myself. how do you fix a problem when you dont know what it is. never have i had something so important on the line. ill do anything. ill do the twelve step program. ill go to counseling. ill take more medication. ill talk about things. ill think about things. ill be nice. ill be thoughtful.

ill make you want me. i will romance you. i will do anything to fix this. i really will.

i want to want you. not need you. you know.

fucking emotions. who the fuck needs them.